Anger is often more complex than it initially appears. On the surface, it usually feels justified and understandable. But in many cases, anger masks deeper, more vulnerable emotions-ones that are harder to face. In my psychotherapy practice, I frequently see hurt and fear lying just beneath expressions of anger.
There are certainly times when anger is the appropriate and primary response. For instance, if you arrive at a prepaid vacation destination only to find there’s no record of your reservation and no room available, anger makes perfect sense. But consider a more emotionally charged situation: imagine discovering that a close friend has gone on a date with your new partner. You might feel angry, but underneath that anger is likely a profound sense of hurt and betrayal. These are relatively clear-cut examples, yet many situations that elicit anger are far more complex.
When emotional pain feels overwhelming, anger can emerge as a protective shield. This is usually an unconscious process. The mind often steps in to guard us from pain that feels too difficult to bear. Take the example of someone who is fired from their job and responds by lashing out in frustration. Being fired is a form of rejection-and rejection can trigger deep hurt and, in many cases, shame. Shame is a particularly painful emotion and often intolerable. In such moments, anger becomes the more accessible, less painful emotion to experience.
Fear is another fundamental feeling that often hides beneath anger. Fear can be destabilizing and leave a person feeling helpless or exposed. The mind may respond by converting fear into anger-an emotion that can restore a sense of control and strength. If shame arises from feeling afraid, that shame, too, may be buried. Again, anger becomes the more tolerable response.
So, is it always a problem to feel anger instead of more painful emotions? Not necessarily. Sometimes anger is warranted and healthy. However, when anger routinely covers up more vulnerable feelings, it can become problematic. First, it prevents us from fully experiencing and understanding our true emotions. This form of emotional denial can keep us stuck. In contrast, recognizing and expressing our core feelings-however difficult-can be remarkably liberating and healing. What we bring into awareness tends to lose its power over us.
Moreover, persistent anger can create distance in our relationships. If anger becomes the default emotional response, it can alienate others and undermine intimacy. Most importantly, when we allow ourselves to connect with and feel our true emotions, we come closer to our authentic selves. In doing so, we gain the opportunity for genuine self-understanding and growth.